My Happily Ever After
I've been thinking a lot of my long term life goals this past year. I suppose the introspection has been a result of leaving high school, starting college, and having a lot of free mental space during the pandemic, but nevertheless, quite a bit of thought has gone into how I want to spend the rest of my life. I began just writing thoughts in my journal about who I want to be and what I want to do, and I eventually compiled it all into a Google Doc "outlining" my life. The nice part about journaling was that whenever I spent a day doing something I really enjoyed, I could reflect on it and mark it down as something that brings me joy that I want to continue.
In general, my happily ever after would be one that grants me complete freedom. I realized in writing about the things I want in life, that the ultimate key is just having the freedom to do it all. My wants in life are constantly changing, and I'm sure they will adapt more than I can predict as I get older. Obtaining freedom for me isn't just about working hard and then retiring, but working a job that still gives me the ability to enjoy my daily life. Ideally, this would include being financially secure to afford all the necessities and enough to live comfortably, along with plenty of time for vacations and spending time with my family. The goal would be to be able to create memorable experiences, savoring the time I spend. I do not want to solely work towards an end goal of a "final" happily ever after, since I worry that I would waste away all the time beforehand setting it up, losing valuable time from my life. I could see myself falling into a trap of telling myself to just "work hard at this one job I hate and the end payoff will be worth it," while simply wasting that time; rather, I want to focus on affording myself the freedom to spend my life doing things that I enjoy. For me, creating those memorable experiences throughout my life would be working in diverse and changing environments, traveling, and celebrating events with family and friends. One example of a new experience I realized over quarantine was cooking - I made some delicious dishes that were new to me, and I'd like to be able to have the time in my future to cook more, such as weeknights after work. I'm not sure exactly what that future would look like in a professional sense, whether it's high mobility between different jobs, or doing my own start up to schedule my own time, but having personal freedom is a must. Toward the end of my career, I'll likely have the freedom to do the things I enjoy (which is great!), but I may not have the mobility or will to do the things I wanted to when I was younger. At my eventual retirement, what would really make me happy is being able to look back on a life well spent, full of memories and diverse experiences.
On another note, I've also put some though into the literal happily ever after, or what would make me happy after I die (or I guess what end goals would make me happy as a living person that will probably die someday). I interpret this question mainly through my legacy, how I'm viewed by others. As a young kid, I wanted some degree of fame, nothing crazy, but my goal was always to have a Wikipedia page made after me. At some point, I realized anyone could make a Wikipedia page, but it wouldn't be cool if I made my own, so my goal became having a stranger make a Wikipedia page about me. Looking back, I still feel there could be value in strangers appreciating my life and reading about it (assuming my Wikipedia page would be about something I accomplish rather than something controversial or tragic), but that alone doesn't really bring me the satisfaction I now realize I want in life. Accomplishing something great to warrant a Wikipedia page would be valuable, but I think that value would mainly come from those who I positively (and directly) affect. I think true happiness from my legacy would be sourced in the value I gave to those who I personally knew. I'd like for my family, friends, colleagues, etc. to reflect positively on me and any impact I had on their lives come the end of mine. I think that would be much more valuable than strangers reading my name and noting that I did something objectively considered "important".
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I know this is my second Coco gif, but I rewatched it recently and loved it as much as ever. The movie was on my mind a bit as I wrote this, and I think the gif does a good job of encapsulating some of my points: Miguel is doing what he loves (playing music) while the whole family is all gathered together enjoying each other's company, alive and dead. It is a scene full of love and happiness, qualities that would make my life one worth living in the end. Plus, it fits in the theme of my musical dance party gifs.
I think it is so interesting how our approach to happily-ever-after is so similar and also really different at the same time. I can definitely relate to the google doc, but instead of an outline of my life I have a very detailed wedding Pinterest board and a running list of my favorite baby names that I've been updating since I was nine. I also really relate to your experience of going through a period of introspection right now. Right now time feels really stagnant, so I find my thoughts drifting towards the future more than they usually do.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested in how you latched onto freedom as your happily-ever-after. Usually I latch onto concrete things that I want -- wedding, kids, maybe a bestselling book, my own version of Kylie Jenner's purse closet, etc -- so I really admire how you're able to translate your goals into a state of being instead of a thing. I feel like for me the things I want tend to result in different kinds of freedom -- I don't think working is really for me, I just want the freedom to write stuff when I feel like it, but like you, I also want a level of financial freedom that requires an actual job which is a total bummer. It's just hard to tell what kind of freedom would make me happiest, and which is the wisest to choose, because I feel like a lot of the time it's a trade-off. And then on the topic of freedom there's also the aspect of the kind of freedom you're passing onto your children. Obviously it's a spectrum, but sometimes giving your kids as much freedom as possible to choose their life paths means sacrificing your own in some ways, especially in terms of how much energy you're putting into your career. I don't think there's a right or wrong choice, but it's definitely a difficult one, and makes this goal of obtaining freedom even more complicated.
I so get the wikipedia page thing. I don't think I want one as badly as you did, but I agree that the idea of having lived a life that a stranger sees as worth writing and reading about is a pretty good goal. I also really love your final reflection that the best testament to a life well lived is touching the lives of the people you actually know and care about. I know that if I had to pick, I'd much rather have my grandchildren tell stories about me to their kids than have a wikipedia page (ideally I'd get both though!). I think Coco was such a good movie choice to illustrate this -- it't not a wikipedia page that keeps people alive in the movie, but rather the power of memory, which is so touching and beautiful and makes me cry every single time I watch it. Also, the way that the movie contrasts the lives and deaths of Ernesto de la Cruz, who dies famous and unloved, and Hector, who is on the verge of being totally forgotten about and is then saved by the power of familial love totally illustrates your point. Ernesto's cruelty towards others is what eventually destroys his fame and reputation, while Hector's love for his family is what ultimately keeps his legacy alive. I think that one of the things that we can learn from the story is that the kind of legacy that comes with fame might be flashier, but it's fragile and superficial. Love, on the other hand, is presented as a force that is far more powerful and enduring.
You're definitely right about it being a trade off between obtaining personal freedom and financial freedom. One you get from not working much, and the other you get (traditionally) from working a lot. I guess I hope to have the professional freedom to be able to get the trade off that works best for me (I suppose it does always boil down to different freedoms!).
DeleteI didn't even draw the full connections to Coco and my post like you pointed out. A legacy rooted in wikipedia vs a legacy rooted in familial love is a really close reflection to the end of Coco with Ernesto de la Cruz (ultimately famous but unloved) and Hector (some posthumous recognition but primarily lived on by his family's love for him). Even in the afterlife world, Ernesto de la Cruz was surrounded by fans (not family), and Hector formed his makeshift family with other lonely souls. It speaks to your point perfectly about fame vs love.
I love Coco and every time I discuss it, I form some new perspectives on the film and enjoy it on another layer. It is truly one of the best Disney/Pixar has created for us.
Jack,
DeleteI really like your idea of appreciating the now instead of making yourself miserable now for the promise of an "ever after." Making yourself miserable for an "ever after" is sort of intrinsic to the Hero's Journey; because we grow up consuming media that relies on this structure, we are sort of led to believe that we need to work now, and play later. Perhaps this is why we all eagerly anticipate the first day of retirement. This, as you mentioned, suggests that we make ourselves miserable now, which can result in a mostly-miserable life at the extreme. I feel your approach is much more pragmatic and effective in achieving an overall happy life.
Secondly, I like how you point out how your legacy could be viewed as a form of happily ever after because it brings up the question of when happily ever after actually begins. In my own blog post, I answered this by saying that happily-ever-after happens when we're alive, but it could just as easily happen in the afterlife (legacy). I don't know that there's one answer to this question, but I do like how you add another possibility.
Have I mentioned how much I love Coco? I can't remember (what is time?) -- but even if I have, I think it bears repeating: Coco is my favorite Pixar movie. I *almost* chose it as our Pixar representative, but ended up going with Cars instead because there's just a little bit more to critique there.
ReplyDeleteBut there's so much to say about happiness -- and "happily ever after" in that movie. You and Rina touched on the idea of legacy and memory with regards to Hector and Ernesto, but the movie's initial conflict is Miguel's pursuit of music, which his family deems a "waste." Music makes Miguel (and Mama Coco and Hector) happy, but everyone else prioritizes the shoe-making business because it's safe, because it's tradition, because it's "valuable."
I think part of why I love Coco so much is because it *does* celebrate the arts, but also because it finds value in, and shows the worth of, something society sometimes doesn't. It's something I struggled with in college -- and I think Rina mentions this in one of her posts -- the idea that you should do something or pursue a career because it's expected of you, even if it may not make you happy.
(Which might be cooking! Caroline said the cake was wonderful!)